Hey Babli,
Yesterday was 12th day of mourning and all rituals have been performed.
It is believed in Hinduism that on the 12th day, the Soul is joined with its forefathers/attains ‘moksha’. It is a matter of faith and there is no evidence or proof which can confirm this theory. I don’t know if there is life after death, if there is a heaven on seventh sky, or if there is any truth in reincarnation. I don’t even know if you can read this letter, which I’m writing to you.
What I do know is that I’ve never felt this helpless or crippled in my entire life, which I’ve felt in past 12 days. Not all people cry with tears, some cry with thoughts. And there have been many ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ which linger in my mind throughout the day. ‘what if I had been more proactive…?’, ‘what if I had played the role of an elder brother more responsibly…’, ‘maybe things would have been different…’ ‘maybe I could have kept you safe from the harm…’. But I guess I will never get the answer and I’ll have to live with that sense of guilt and regret forever.
You were the only sister in a family of eight male cousins and you would admit having enjoyed the perks of the same. Because you were so tiny when you were born, we used to call you ‘piddi’ (the tiny one), but I guess you misheard it as ‘ziddi’ (stubborn) and you knew a way around how to get what you wanted. You could play the young sibling card along effectively with some puppy eyes and get out of almost anything. There had been countless occasions where I used to get scolded by mummy for doing nothing purely on your false complaint that I am troubling you.
We had some amazing fun moments and I’ll always cherish them. To tease you, I used to call you ‘sethani’ or used to refer you as ‘khaleesi’ (of GOT) because you had your own modus operandi and ‘devil-may-care’ attitude. I guess most artists are born with such attitude and you were an excellent artist/painter. I firmly believe that every person should leave something behind which is always remembered, and your art is the legacy you have left behind for us. Which is why we have decided that every year on your birthday, we shall conduct an art and drawing competition in our town for kids in your memory.
Just like the Khaleesi was a mother of 3 dragons, you had your own 3 cats (Goldie, Kanha & cheenu-meenu) which you used to treat just like your children. I still can’t figure out why you named a cat ‘cheenu-meenu’, when he is a single cat. Maybe he had a twin, I know nothing about.
There are so many stories to tell, so many incidents to share. But I guess I still have to come to terms with what has happened and comprehend how this happened. You were so cheerful just about a month ago hosting a house party for all close relatives to celebrate our newly bought home. One moment you were happy, living your life and the next you are gone. I would love to have you back, but this is something that I have no control over. But I want you to know that you do not need to worry about mummy and papa, I am trying my best to keep them happy. And your cats will also be taken care of in the best possible manner.
I love you, forever and always.
Indu.